Not Again.

I have this bad habit of starting to write in this blog, putting up a few posts, and then not touching it for months and months and months. And then I come back, delete all the old posts because they’re embarrassing artifacts of the past and then pretend the blog is brand new again. After all, it’s not like anyone has read those words except for my past-self.

I guess maybe I finally felt like I wanted to type something meaningful. Perhaps I was just too lazy to handwrite these thoughts in my journal. Anyhow I’ll just type them out here. Will it stay anonymous? Probably. Hopefully future-elaine won’t be too eager to delete this one.

This week was draining. I’m usually not the most “emotional,”  or so I like to claim.
Tuesday was my birthday and no matter how many times I told myself to be mature and just treat it as any other Tuesday, inside I still had that hope of it being some sort of magical special day. I kept thinking that birthday surprises at midnight and packages from my parents were something that were a guarantee and not a privilege. I really only have myself to blame for disappointment. Being the lucky girl I am, my wonderful friends had a surprise for me at night with balloons, sweets, giraffe hats and the backin’ up song. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to hold in my emotions (belrgh, emotions!) and shed some tears. Mostly I was just upset that my parents hadn’t called, but nonetheless I ruined the party by making my friends feel like I didn’t appreciate what they did. The rest of the night and the next couple of days I was just falling into this spiral of self-hatred. Stupid, stupid, stupid, why would you make people feel like that. You ungrateful, stupid brat.

Anyway, the only thing that could make that better was to apologize, which I’ve done.

I guess God really built me to be happy though, because being sad was freakin’ exhausting. It’s like the moment I stopped thinking about it I was my “normal” goofy self. Even when I was feeling down, the jokes and laughter  would just slip out of my mouth. It’s a funny process you know, the Holy Spirit cheering you up from the inside.

So, you there, future-Elaine! Know that it’s an incredible, incredible gift having friends and family who care about you and knowing that it’s your birthday. Every birthday wish, even via facebook or text message is something to be treasured.

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